Dear Destiny, It's Over.

Dear Destiny,
It's over. 2012 - gone. On paper it was a decent year: I finished my MPH, had opportunities to travel, played the role of professor, and so on. But beneath the surface it feels empty. I'm literally at the beginning of a new year, no plans for a doctoral program in the immediate future, no contract for employment, and waiting with my bags packed to move across the country. I suppose I'm not completely empty; there is an inkling of hope that this eastbound journey will find me the opportunities that I'm seeking. (And who knows, maybe even love). But that inkling of hope is running low. So Destiny, if I'm to keep plugging along, I'm going to need you to surprise me with a little something to keep me going... please.

Dear Destiny, Life's a Mixed Bag.

Dear Destiny,
Life is such a mixed bag. I've had a birthday and should be feeling "alive" with my relative youth; instead I've spent an fair amount of time in bed this week feeling dread for having to play the leading role in this thing called my life. I've also signed a lease on a new apartment in DC; and whilst there is still a tinge of anticipation for that, I'm all the while combating a fair amount of doubt. Not doubt in you, Destiny - doubt in me. What if I don't find my place in this world? What if I don't find anyone to share the adventure with? I'm trying to exercise faith here, so please, show me it gets better...

Dear Destiny, Stop the Grading!

Dear Destiny,
Stop the grading! Seriously. I have been grading for approximately 8 hours each day for the last 5 consecutive days. That's 4 times the amount of work I'm contracted for and more time than I've actually put into sleeping. I hope this is adding good karma for things to come... In any case, 200-some-odd papers later I am feeling bits of hope return. And additionally, using cross-country travel planning as an occasional diversion from the grading madness has (I think) proved to be fruitful (fingers crossed). So I guess all has not been lost; but I am looking forward to spending my time doing something else. What that something is remains to be seen (that's where I'm trusting you, Destiny), but I'm guessing it will involve many job applications and packing. (It may/may not also involve some serious R&R, with books... and frozen yogurt. Just sayin'.)

Dear Destiny, Damn the Full Moon.

Dear Destiny,
Damn the full moon. Please don't get any ideas or go in cahoots together. I trust you will be kinder and hope the next big adventure is just around the corner. Consider this me asking, (begging) please!

Dear Destiny, What's Up?

Dear Destiny,
What's up? You and I are both wondering the same thing. Well, for starters, my teaching contract is almost up - and that pretty much means that everything else in my life is up in the air soon. For real. I mean, I will have a place to live in Portland, but my reasons for being here are becoming null. So I'm continuing to look and apply myself elsewhere, but I'm hoping you have a plan or at least some ideas about what's next. So I guess that in the meanwhile, when I'm asked about "What's up," I will just smile and trust that you're handling the details. Keep me posted please!

Dear Destiny, It's cold.

Dear Destiny,
It's the first time in months that it's really felt cold. I guess the temperature is right for the emotional sentiment. This time of the term with students whining about grades leaves me feeling less than cheery. And this coldness, I admit, borderlines numb. I spoke very frankly with my shrink today and noted that the only perceptible shift away from feeling numb came recently when viewing a clip on HIV/AIDS work being done in Botswana. What does that mean?! Well Destiny, I'm trying to figure something out too; but the least I can say is that it has motivated me to expand my job search seriously eastward. So in case you're inclined to help me in this quest, that's the direction I'm looking!

Dear Destiny, I'm here.

Dear Destiny,
I'm here in my new apartment - still in Portland and still drifting a little. It is now halfway through the academic term and so the expiration date on my current teaching position is nearing. To that end, there's been no reply about the golden job I applied for (though I remain hopeful). So I'm here. I am trying to feel settled in this place and decision to be here, but after observing an extensive discussion on factor analysis today I'm even more convinced that more schooling is in my future. But where and when? Destiny, I feel ready for the next step now, so I would just kindly remind you that I'm here ... and actively waiting.

Dear Destiny, I wore a dress.

Dear Destiny,
I wore a dress today for good luck. I'm convinced I'm the perfect candidate for this job position, but I know you get the final say in these things. So I have to be honest, it feels like we aren't on the same page - you and me. It feels like a lot of hoping and waiting on my end without any signs of progress on your end yet. Maybe change is on the horizon and your relishing in the element of surprise?! In any case, I just thought you should know that's how I'm feeling; impatient and very alone.

Dear Destiny, It's raining.

Dear Destiny,
After a delayed start to autumn, it's finally raining. And to be honest, the timing couldn't be better - my emotions have been deflated this week by one thing after another.There are those sentiments about having rain to appreciate the sun or rain followed by rainbows; and yes, for now not all hope is gone. But Destiny, I don't want to waste that hope. So I implore a wish ... that  in this rainy season I might find someone  to hug away the loneliness, to kiss my tears dry, and perhaps to enjoy the sun and rainbows with me when they finally appear.

Dear Destiny, I dream of far off places.

Dear Destiny,
This time of year usually finds me in a restless state of mind, dreaming of far off places. Last autumn, if you'll recall, I was in a really horrible accident that left me unscathed yet toiling over the state of things in my life. So I flew to NYC to get lost in the wonders of a big city and escape my reality at least for a few days. Why do I bring this up? Because I'm feeling that same restlessness and have started thinking about where to go next. A cross country train ride to DC sounds nice; what do you think Destiny?!

PS. The Brooklyn Bridge is still my favorite.

Dear Destiny, Why so gray?

Dear Destiny,
Things in life aren't so clear right now, not entirely blue either, so I ask, "Why so gray?" I was suppose to hear back about school in September - no word yet and it's the first of October. This house share was suppose to be the last move for a while - I fear it is not so. I was suppose to be done with love - but alas, it's just unrequited. so. much. gray. Destiny, whilst I don't believe things ought to be black or white, I sure could use a little less gray.

Dear Destiny, I have new friends!

Dear Destiny,
I have 200 new friends - errr, okay, they are actually my students - but I'm convinced that by the end of the term they will be converted to the gospel of public health and that we will all yak about epidemiology and stuff (!!). That's grossly over optimistic, I know, but considering it's my first day teaching university I suppose it's better than being jaded. All in all Destiny, I think this teaching gig is going to be a fun adventure, even if it is a lot of work and not permanent. Because ultimately, when I get to recite things like: "Do we want people to beat the odds or do we want to change the odds?"even I believe that something better must be in our future.

Dear Destiny, Where's my bike?

Dear Destiny,
This morning I had only one thought.... where's my bike?! As the day progressed my mind ruminated over where it could be hiding, lest I concede that it had (indeed) been stolen. I really am trying to believe that the impending changes of my life will bring better things as I move from graduated student into __________ (insert your best guess). So if today's little episode was meant to keep me on my feet for what's next, I suppose it literally has done just that. But really Destiny, I'd prefer to move forward with two pedals (not bipedal)!

Dear Destiny, Forward momentum!

Dear Destiny,
I am feeling forward momentum (as my friend G always says)! one of the first things I learned upon moving to Portland is that nothing is ever "straight" :) so look and move forward instead. I recently received an offer to teach a university course this fall, and with that I am hopeful that you, dear Destiny, are looking and moving forward too. Thus I commend your forward momentum and pause only to remind....

Dear Destiny, Tests are scary.

Dear Destiny,
Tests are scary, and that's no metaphor. Having just returned from the second big admissions test that I've had to take this summer, I very literally mean that I spent the first few minutes of the test paralyzed with fear; unable to think about the questions in front of me and having the fight or flight debate in my head! Somehow I convinced myself to finish the test, but I've been thinking a lot about the root of that gripping fear I felt (er, am still feeling). Here's what I've come up with: fear of the future (nah), fear of failure (meh), fear of the unknown (maybe), fear of missing out on the opportunities I want the most because i didn't perform well enough on a test (nail on the head). So destiny, despite how I did on the test, don't let me down - because I haven't given up on you yet!

Dear Destiny, I'm moving... again.

Dear Destiny,
I'm moving ... again. I think this is some sort of record as it will be the fourth apartment I've lived in since the beginning of this year. the last three moves have been to convenience others and I think I've learned my lesson: when you're a push-over the appreciation from others is fleeting but personal anguish abides. So destiny, I'm resolving to be less of a push-over and make choices that also serve my interests! My disclaimer being that if you decide to bestow me with an academic/employment opportunity that warranted another move, well then I think that would be mutually beneficial.

Dear Destiny, I am ready now.

Dear Destiny,
Today was pretty ordinary, except I came across something I wrote four and a half years ago and it's left a haunting impression. Five years ago I was newly married. four and a half years ago I was in the middle of divorce. I have mostly repressed the memories from that time in my life (and some of the years leading up to it), but largely what I recall is feeling hurt and disappointed. What this writing revealed however, was a moment of hope that had found me unsuspecting. I even wrote something like, "here I am. both feet on the ground and a smile all over!" but in the years since, I have lost that hope on more than one occasion. Now is suppose to be the time of my life - the world as my oyster. I just finished grad school in a program I loved and with people I adore. This summer alone I've crossed the Atlantic four times, interviewed for two different international doctoral programs, and swum through the Willamette river. Not too shabby. but when I'm asked the question, "what's next?" I swallow hard, force on a smile, and with my best attempt at optimism reply with, "I'm figuring that out!" it's true - I am figuring it out - but I feel I've lost that hope again. So destiny, I see us as partners in this thing called my future, so I thought I'd write you and let you know: I am ready now.