Dear Destiny,
It's been a while. Things have been busy and lonely at the same time. I haven't forgotten you though - have you forgotten me?
Wednesday, July 17, 2013
Tuesday, May 21, 2013
Dear Destiny, It Feels Like Magic.
Dear Destiny,
It feels like magic - those moments when your research idea starts to seem possible. When you can see the prospective pieces align, and actually think someone else might believe in it too. I don't know what it is about right now, but Destiny I can't stop thinking about how to make this research real! eep!
It feels like magic - those moments when your research idea starts to seem possible. When you can see the prospective pieces align, and actually think someone else might believe in it too. I don't know what it is about right now, but Destiny I can't stop thinking about how to make this research real! eep!
Tuesday, May 14, 2013
Dear Destiny, The World Is So Big.
Dear Destiny,
The world is so big - it overwhelms me. I feel so small in comparison that it is hard to believe I will ever find my place, or ever find a companion. I feel too familiar with loneliness and yet I know that I can love. I do love, deeply. But I wish I knew the place or the person in this world that could love me back; love me in a way that calms the pangs of feeling lost and alone.
The world is so big - it overwhelms me. I feel so small in comparison that it is hard to believe I will ever find my place, or ever find a companion. I feel too familiar with loneliness and yet I know that I can love. I do love, deeply. But I wish I knew the place or the person in this world that could love me back; love me in a way that calms the pangs of feeling lost and alone.
Sunday, April 14, 2013
Dear Destiny, Sometimes I Don't Believe
Dear Destiny,
Sometimes I don't believe that spring will arrive. When I look at all the trees with bare branches, I find myself doubting that new leaves will grow. I literally feel disbelief that so much can change in such little time as the seasons transition from winter to spring. And then, as if the Earth could sense my fear of an unrelenting state of winter, I notice - almost over night - that blossoms abound and there are traces of green in the trees again. Call it "an awakening" or "sign of hope" or what have you, but change is happening...
Sometimes I don't believe that spring will arrive. When I look at all the trees with bare branches, I find myself doubting that new leaves will grow. I literally feel disbelief that so much can change in such little time as the seasons transition from winter to spring. And then, as if the Earth could sense my fear of an unrelenting state of winter, I notice - almost over night - that blossoms abound and there are traces of green in the trees again. Call it "an awakening" or "sign of hope" or what have you, but change is happening...
Tuesday, April 2, 2013
Dear Destiny, Just When Things Are Looking Up...
Dear Destiny,
Just when things are looking up, my world comes crashing down. Last week I received an "unofficial" job opportunity from one of the nation's top universities, and this week my parents phoned me to say that they are separating. I seem to be stuck on some type of karmic roller coaster and I'd like the ride to stop now, thank you very much. Please Destiny, make it stop!
Just when things are looking up, my world comes crashing down. Last week I received an "unofficial" job opportunity from one of the nation's top universities, and this week my parents phoned me to say that they are separating. I seem to be stuck on some type of karmic roller coaster and I'd like the ride to stop now, thank you very much. Please Destiny, make it stop!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Dear Destiny, I'm Dealing with Depression.
Dear Destiny,
I'm dealing with depression (again). Its fog is in full effect; and with little structure in my life right now, it sometimes yields an incapacitating force. So why am I telling you this Destiny?! Because I hope that if identifying the elephant in the room can set it free, then maybe I can unleash myself from its weightiness.
PS. A good follow-up interview earlier this week + parental protest that I cannot accept the job (in the DRC) = not helping.
I'm dealing with depression (again). Its fog is in full effect; and with little structure in my life right now, it sometimes yields an incapacitating force. So why am I telling you this Destiny?! Because I hope that if identifying the elephant in the room can set it free, then maybe I can unleash myself from its weightiness.
PS. A good follow-up interview earlier this week + parental protest that I cannot accept the job (in the DRC) = not helping.
Monday, February 25, 2013
Dear Destiny, Where is Humanity?
Dear Destiny,
Where is humanity? Sometimes after reading the news I wonder how this world ever got so big and complicated. When there is ceaseless conflict between neighbors; when people feel justified in killing each other; when trafficking the innocent becomes a business; and when half the species faces discrimination because of xx chromosomes ... how do we survive, this human race?
Where is humanity? Sometimes after reading the news I wonder how this world ever got so big and complicated. When there is ceaseless conflict between neighbors; when people feel justified in killing each other; when trafficking the innocent becomes a business; and when half the species faces discrimination because of xx chromosomes ... how do we survive, this human race?
Monday, February 11, 2013
Dear Destiny, What's This?
Dear Destiny,
What's this? It's Monday morning and my week is pretty much a blank slate ... aside from the modest size to-do list. I thought that surely after last week's efforts in the job hunt that my inbox would be flooded with emails asking for interviews. But perhaps they are waiting for exactly the right moment ... in which case Destiny, I hope it's soon!
What's this? It's Monday morning and my week is pretty much a blank slate ... aside from the modest size to-do list. I thought that surely after last week's efforts in the job hunt that my inbox would be flooded with emails asking for interviews. But perhaps they are waiting for exactly the right moment ... in which case Destiny, I hope it's soon!
Tuesday, February 5, 2013
Dear Destiny, I'm Still Here.
Dear Destiny,
I'm still here, in the District. After a week of bizarre weather ranging from snow, to 70 degrees Fahrenheit and a tornado watch, back to freezing temperatures, I'm surviving it. It sure is more interesting than days upon days of rain! But the excitement stops there; I'm still actively hunting for full-time employment and am starting to get a little anxious for something to come along. But I confess, I am being super picky in my searches for something that is "just right" - no compromising. Because Destiny, more than just work I want to find a position that fulfills my aching sense of urgency to do good in the world. My beliefs in community health, an ecological approach, and empowerment-based solutions are firm and I'm not backing down.
I'm still here, in the District. After a week of bizarre weather ranging from snow, to 70 degrees Fahrenheit and a tornado watch, back to freezing temperatures, I'm surviving it. It sure is more interesting than days upon days of rain! But the excitement stops there; I'm still actively hunting for full-time employment and am starting to get a little anxious for something to come along. But I confess, I am being super picky in my searches for something that is "just right" - no compromising. Because Destiny, more than just work I want to find a position that fulfills my aching sense of urgency to do good in the world. My beliefs in community health, an ecological approach, and empowerment-based solutions are firm and I'm not backing down.
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Dear Destiny, It's Been A Week.
Dear Destiny,
It's been a week since I arrived in DC and so far I'm surviving it. Admittedly, this is a bleak time of year to be relocating here, and the winter landscape (and drivers) left me feeling that I was truly in foreign territory. But after a week of apartment-searching and job-hunting, I'm feeling like my decision to settle here for a while is a good choice. Also, it helps that I have a two-member fan club (a 2 year old niece and 4 year old nephew; children of my cousin) who bolster my spirits with cuddles and compliments. But now that I'm here Destiny, let's get to work!
PS. Inauguration was crazy. I was glad to make it into town for the event, but happy to keep a distance form the masses of people and general mayhem on the Mall.
It's been a week since I arrived in DC and so far I'm surviving it. Admittedly, this is a bleak time of year to be relocating here, and the winter landscape (and drivers) left me feeling that I was truly in foreign territory. But after a week of apartment-searching and job-hunting, I'm feeling like my decision to settle here for a while is a good choice. Also, it helps that I have a two-member fan club (a 2 year old niece and 4 year old nephew; children of my cousin) who bolster my spirits with cuddles and compliments. But now that I'm here Destiny, let's get to work!
PS. Inauguration was crazy. I was glad to make it into town for the event, but happy to keep a distance form the masses of people and general mayhem on the Mall.
Monday, January 14, 2013
Dear Destiny, I'm Stuck.
Dear Destiny,
I'm stuck in Chicago on my way traveling east. The break from the train and the diversity of people has been refreshing but a brief encounter with a stranger today has left me feeling grounded: I stopped for a man on the street who was shaking a cup for change. I emptied my pockets for him knowing it wasn't much but still wanting to make a kind gesture. Instead though, the man barked at my pithy contribution saying "That won't help me!" Any rebuttal would be insufficient - he was right - my few coins wouldn't make things much better. I spent the day wrestling with this and handing out my spare change as I could (usually to much more welcoming persons) in a futile attempt to relieve my conscious. I suppose the hardest thing Destiny, is believing that thing that is the very underpinning of epidemiology; that even small change when multiplied across a population, really can shift the distribution.
I'm stuck in Chicago on my way traveling east. The break from the train and the diversity of people has been refreshing but a brief encounter with a stranger today has left me feeling grounded: I stopped for a man on the street who was shaking a cup for change. I emptied my pockets for him knowing it wasn't much but still wanting to make a kind gesture. Instead though, the man barked at my pithy contribution saying "That won't help me!" Any rebuttal would be insufficient - he was right - my few coins wouldn't make things much better. I spent the day wrestling with this and handing out my spare change as I could (usually to much more welcoming persons) in a futile attempt to relieve my conscious. I suppose the hardest thing Destiny, is believing that thing that is the very underpinning of epidemiology; that even small change when multiplied across a population, really can shift the distribution.
Monday, December 31, 2012
Dear Destiny, It's Over.
Dear Destiny,
It's over. 2012 - gone. On paper it was a decent year: I finished my MPH, had opportunities to travel, played the role of professor, and so on. But beneath the surface it feels empty. I'm literally at the beginning of a new year, no plans for a doctoral program in the immediate future, no contract for employment, and waiting with my bags packed to move across the country. I suppose I'm not completely empty; there is an inkling of hope that this eastbound journey will find me the opportunities that I'm seeking. (And who knows, maybe even love). But that inkling of hope is running low. So Destiny, if I'm to keep plugging along, I'm going to need you to surprise me with a little something to keep me going... please.
It's over. 2012 - gone. On paper it was a decent year: I finished my MPH, had opportunities to travel, played the role of professor, and so on. But beneath the surface it feels empty. I'm literally at the beginning of a new year, no plans for a doctoral program in the immediate future, no contract for employment, and waiting with my bags packed to move across the country. I suppose I'm not completely empty; there is an inkling of hope that this eastbound journey will find me the opportunities that I'm seeking. (And who knows, maybe even love). But that inkling of hope is running low. So Destiny, if I'm to keep plugging along, I'm going to need you to surprise me with a little something to keep me going... please.
Saturday, December 15, 2012
Dear Destiny, Life's a Mixed Bag.
Dear Destiny,
Life is such a mixed bag. I've had a birthday and should be feeling "alive" with my relative youth; instead I've spent an fair amount of time in bed this week feeling dread for having to play the leading role in this thing called my life. I've also signed a lease on a new apartment in DC; and whilst there is still a tinge of anticipation for that, I'm all the while combating a fair amount of doubt. Not doubt in you, Destiny - doubt in me. What if I don't find my place in this world? What if I don't find anyone to share the adventure with? I'm trying to exercise faith here, so please, show me it gets better...
Life is such a mixed bag. I've had a birthday and should be feeling "alive" with my relative youth; instead I've spent an fair amount of time in bed this week feeling dread for having to play the leading role in this thing called my life. I've also signed a lease on a new apartment in DC; and whilst there is still a tinge of anticipation for that, I'm all the while combating a fair amount of doubt. Not doubt in you, Destiny - doubt in me. What if I don't find my place in this world? What if I don't find anyone to share the adventure with? I'm trying to exercise faith here, so please, show me it gets better...
Monday, December 10, 2012
Dear Destiny, Stop the Grading!
Dear Destiny,
Stop the grading! Seriously. I have been grading for approximately 8 hours each day for the last 5 consecutive days. That's 4 times the amount of work I'm contracted for and more time than I've actually put into sleeping. I hope this is adding good karma for things to come... In any case, 200-some-odd papers later I am feeling bits of hope return. And additionally, using cross-country travel planning as an occasional diversion from the grading madness has (I think) proved to be fruitful (fingers crossed). So I guess all has not been lost; but I am looking forward to spending my time doing something else. What that something is remains to be seen (that's where I'm trusting you, Destiny), but I'm guessing it will involve many job applications and packing. (It may/may not also involve some serious R&R, with books... and frozen yogurt. Just sayin'.)
Stop the grading! Seriously. I have been grading for approximately 8 hours each day for the last 5 consecutive days. That's 4 times the amount of work I'm contracted for and more time than I've actually put into sleeping. I hope this is adding good karma for things to come... In any case, 200-some-odd papers later I am feeling bits of hope return. And additionally, using cross-country travel planning as an occasional diversion from the grading madness has (I think) proved to be fruitful (fingers crossed). So I guess all has not been lost; but I am looking forward to spending my time doing something else. What that something is remains to be seen (that's where I'm trusting you, Destiny), but I'm guessing it will involve many job applications and packing. (It may/may not also involve some serious R&R, with books... and frozen yogurt. Just sayin'.)
Wednesday, November 28, 2012
Dear Destiny, Damn the Full Moon.
Dear Destiny,
Damn the full moon. Please don't get any ideas or go in cahoots together. I trust you will be kinder and hope the next big adventure is just around the corner. Consider this me asking, (begging) please!
Damn the full moon. Please don't get any ideas or go in cahoots together. I trust you will be kinder and hope the next big adventure is just around the corner. Consider this me asking, (begging) please!
Monday, November 26, 2012
Dear Destiny, What's Up?
Dear Destiny,
What's up? You and I are both wondering the same thing. Well, for starters, my teaching contract is almost up - and that pretty much means that everything else in my life is up in the air soon. For real. I mean, I will have a place to live in Portland, but my reasons for being here are becoming null. So I'm continuing to look and apply myself elsewhere, but I'm hoping you have a plan or at least some ideas about what's next. So I guess that in the meanwhile, when I'm asked about "What's up," I will just smile and trust that you're handling the details. Keep me posted please!
What's up? You and I are both wondering the same thing. Well, for starters, my teaching contract is almost up - and that pretty much means that everything else in my life is up in the air soon. For real. I mean, I will have a place to live in Portland, but my reasons for being here are becoming null. So I'm continuing to look and apply myself elsewhere, but I'm hoping you have a plan or at least some ideas about what's next. So I guess that in the meanwhile, when I'm asked about "What's up," I will just smile and trust that you're handling the details. Keep me posted please!
Friday, November 9, 2012
Dear Destiny, It's cold.
Dear Destiny,
It's the first time in months that it's really felt cold. I guess the temperature is right for the emotional sentiment. This time of the term with students whining about grades leaves me feeling less than cheery. And this coldness, I admit, borderlines numb. I spoke very frankly with my shrink today and noted that the only perceptible shift away from feeling numb came recently when viewing a clip on HIV/AIDS work being done in Botswana. What does that mean?! Well Destiny, I'm trying to figure something out too; but the least I can say is that it has motivated me to expand my job search seriously eastward. So in case you're inclined to help me in this quest, that's the direction I'm looking!
It's the first time in months that it's really felt cold. I guess the temperature is right for the emotional sentiment. This time of the term with students whining about grades leaves me feeling less than cheery. And this coldness, I admit, borderlines numb. I spoke very frankly with my shrink today and noted that the only perceptible shift away from feeling numb came recently when viewing a clip on HIV/AIDS work being done in Botswana. What does that mean?! Well Destiny, I'm trying to figure something out too; but the least I can say is that it has motivated me to expand my job search seriously eastward. So in case you're inclined to help me in this quest, that's the direction I'm looking!
Saturday, November 3, 2012
Dear Destiny, I'm here.
Dear Destiny,
I'm here in my new apartment - still in Portland and still drifting a little. It is now halfway through the academic term and so the expiration date on my current teaching position is nearing. To that end, there's been no reply about the golden job I applied for (though I remain hopeful). So I'm here. I am trying to feel settled in this place and decision to be here, but after observing an extensive discussion on factor analysis today I'm even more convinced that more schooling is in my future. But where and when? Destiny, I feel ready for the next step now, so I would just kindly remind you that I'm here ... and actively waiting.
I'm here in my new apartment - still in Portland and still drifting a little. It is now halfway through the academic term and so the expiration date on my current teaching position is nearing. To that end, there's been no reply about the golden job I applied for (though I remain hopeful). So I'm here. I am trying to feel settled in this place and decision to be here, but after observing an extensive discussion on factor analysis today I'm even more convinced that more schooling is in my future. But where and when? Destiny, I feel ready for the next step now, so I would just kindly remind you that I'm here ... and actively waiting.
Wednesday, October 24, 2012
Dear Destiny, I wore a dress.
Dear Destiny,
I wore a dress today for good luck. I'm convinced I'm the perfect candidate for this job position, but I know you get the final say in these things. So I have to be honest, it feels like we aren't on the same page - you and me. It feels like a lot of hoping and waiting on my end without any signs of progress on your end yet. Maybe change is on the horizon and your relishing in the element of surprise?! In any case, I just thought you should know that's how I'm feeling; impatient and very alone.
I wore a dress today for good luck. I'm convinced I'm the perfect candidate for this job position, but I know you get the final say in these things. So I have to be honest, it feels like we aren't on the same page - you and me. It feels like a lot of hoping and waiting on my end without any signs of progress on your end yet. Maybe change is on the horizon and your relishing in the element of surprise?! In any case, I just thought you should know that's how I'm feeling; impatient and very alone.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Dear Destiny, It's raining.
Dear Destiny,
After a delayed start to autumn, it's finally raining. And to be honest, the timing couldn't be better - my emotions have been deflated this week by one thing after another.There are those sentiments about having rain to appreciate the sun or rain followed by rainbows; and yes, for now not all hope is gone. But Destiny, I don't want to waste that hope. So I implore a wish ... that in this rainy season I might find someone to hug away the loneliness, to kiss my tears dry, and perhaps to enjoy the sun and rainbows with me when they finally appear.
After a delayed start to autumn, it's finally raining. And to be honest, the timing couldn't be better - my emotions have been deflated this week by one thing after another.There are those sentiments about having rain to appreciate the sun or rain followed by rainbows; and yes, for now not all hope is gone. But Destiny, I don't want to waste that hope. So I implore a wish ... that in this rainy season I might find someone to hug away the loneliness, to kiss my tears dry, and perhaps to enjoy the sun and rainbows with me when they finally appear.
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